Children are often consciously or sub-consciously used as weapons, or bargaining tools in a power game between separating partners. I have seen it every day across my 30 year teaching career. A game where point scoring against each other for a snapshot of time becomes more important than the emotional health of children. In many cases separated parents do not even realise this verbal and emotional sparring is occurring until, the school or in extreme cases police, or another agency contact them because their children have changed their effort or behaviour, been involved in a serious incident, or displayed risk-taking behaviour. These are a cry for recognition and support, and a return to some form of emotional normality.

Your world as a parent has changed from a degree of stability to uncertainty and often somebody needs to be made accountable. It is an unfortunate part of a grieving process caused by separation. Children can be forgotten during this traumatic time. However, your children, no matter what age, ask their parents during separation, and remember you are their world, to understand their cognitive and emotional confusion/trauma and acknowledge that they love unconditionally both parents. They are not the referee, or a source of emotional or parental validation against a former partner in times of separation. They are navigating their complex world and just need unconditional parental love.

Telling a child or adolescent directly or in-directly that your former partner is violent, an alcoholic, or similar information, even if true, is emotionally damaging and I ask what do YOU expect your child to do with this information?

They will not validate your decision to leave, or place you on a higher pedestal than your former partner.

Experience tells me, children do not, and ultimately will not, have this capacity. They will however internalise great pain and uncertainty of thought. Always remember children have unconditional love for both parents. They may play your game to bring peace and a degree of normality to their domestic situation, but rarely share your passion for revenge. Name calling and labels are emotional gratification for you as an adult. However, the environment you are creating is devastating for your children. I have not been given a government grant to validate that statement, just 30 years working with children.

The Family Court is often the solution when couples have a degree of complexity that cannot be resolved through mediation. However, the time delay and complexity of the decisions often increases the emotional trauma for children.

I would argue as well that often they are not contextually appropriate for country families. For example, a parent who has access to their children on a Wednesday afternoon and every second weekend may be a very workable situation in metropolitan areas. However, when these children are over 100 kilometres away, impractical.

Over the years I have also had to read and convert judgements into plain English for parents with low literacy. The legal language effectively marginalises one party in the relationship. Unintentional discrimination through the use of legalistic jargon. The cost of effective legal representation also adds a veneer of complexity to families. I believe the Family Court is broken as an effective tool for children to be empowered in separation but the complexities of these failings make reform difficult politically, socially and legally.

I constantly ask why a young person will harm themselves. This is one of the biggest changes I have seen in my career in education. Self-medication through pain. It occurs in all schools and is often hidden because teenagers in particular are very good at hiding the evidence, or some schools have a very large carpet under which to sweep the unpleasant truth.

Public image is paramount! I thought it was a cry for help, attention-seeking. The research I read now indicates it's symbolic of a release of pain. The mind feels better because there has been a release.

Parenting through separation is difficult and children are not made of glass, they are very difficult to break at times. However, when your world is broken and confused due to a separation, always remember your children are enormous emotional sponges absorbing your comments and emotions but often lack the ability to rationalise the situation. This can have long-term negative affects on their mental health.

The situation will not change until adult concepts and worlds do not collide with the social and emotional development of children. This is the challenge.

If you or someone you know is in need of help, please reach out for support by calling Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 1800 273 8255, Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or the NSW Mental Health Line on 1800 011 511.

You can also visit the NSW Health website for a list of services and support contacts at https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/mentalhealth/services/Pages/support-contact-list.aspx

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